Anxiety, Depression & Me

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More or less everyone you will ever meet will have a story, whether they choose to tell you that story is another matter, I’d like to think my friends and family are all happy but it’s amazing what a smile can hide

I’m generally an open book, people have often told me I’m too honest for my own good, I started this blog as a personal journal & because of that I intend to be as honest as possible with it & in this post, I want to try and explain what sometimes goes on in my head

I have suffered from depression & anxiety for many years, I was first diagnosed in 2001, after losing a grandparent, my best friend to suicide, and friends and colleagues in the 9/11 tragedies in quick succession, to be honest, I don’t think I was actually suffering from depression at that time, more like shock, those occurrences are a lot for anyone to go through and deal with, I was put on tablets but I only took them for a few weeks, I was very aware that my friend had used antidepressants in her overdose and yes I was upset but who wouldn’t be going through what I went through in such a short space of time

I’ve always been the type of person to throw myself into my work, possibly bury my head in the sand and looking back that is exactly what I done here & in this instance it worked perfectly for me

Fast forward 10yrs and yet again I was diagnosed with depression, life was particularly manic, as well as working long hours in my full-time job my husband and I had decided to go into partnership with a friend running a pool club business, within months there were cracks in what had been a very good friendship, our friend ran two other successful businesses and it had been agreed he would handle the paperwork we would do the manual stuff, unfortunately, it became apparent very quickly our friend had over-committed himself time-wise, timekeeping was never his strong point but when it came to opening the club, we’d presumed he’d be more present, but no, on the days it was his turn to open more often than not we’d get calls from customers telling us they were outside and unable to get in, if we tried to discuss it with him it would turn into an argument & my husband was doing a ‘me’ and burying his head in the sand for the sake of their friendship


I had a relative who for many years had been very withdrawn & who even as a child I thought had some kind of mental health issues, but had never received the support they needed from his Dr, he was going through a particularly hard time, I was the only relative within 100 miles, I was trying to help, fighting for him to get the support they needed, so I had a lot going on

It was a very dark time for me, I felt like I had all these problems yet none of them was within my control, my Dr wanted to sign me off sick and I begged him not to, time off work would just give me a huge backlog to go back to and I’m someone who has to keep busy, giving me time off is not a good idea for me, time alone inside my own brain is not a good idea.

I was put on tablets again this time I felt a difference within a few days just like this edge had been taken off things I ended up being on the tablets for a year, during that time I made some big changes one of which was to reclaim control of my life, 2011 had been pretty much devoted to my husband and friends business which had got me nowhere positive.

I set myself small physical challenges, I’ve never been an active person but what I did know was when things got tough going for a walk or a short run used to clear my head, I restarted the c25k program, I attended a Bootcamp, I even gave up my job & done my Level 2 Fitness Instructors course something friends from school would never have believed of the girl who faked notes to get out of PE

Touchwood the following 2yrs went past without any problems but in January 2015 and without any warning it started to happen again, this time was different there was no reason for it, life was good, but silly things started to get on top of me, some friends and I had had a trip to Centre Parcs organised for 18mths I’d been looking forward to it since the day we booked it, one day everyone had been chatting about the trip on Facebook & Whatsapp and I come out of work to over 100 messages, now I know that’s a lot but it doesn’t really take long to go through but rather than be able to read them I started to shake, I felt sick, I felt like the walls were closing in on me. A few days later I was actually physically sick when I picked up my phone and saw a similar amount of messages, what most people would just deal with I felt suffocated by, I started to fear checking my phone, I tried to explain to my friends what was going on but when it didn’t make sense to me how could I explain it properly to them so I started to withdraw


A few weeks later I had an accident while out running which lead to me being stuck indoors in a cast for 4 months, and as I’ve previously mentioned giving me to much time to think is not a good thing I’m someone that needs to be kept busy, I went into such a dark place I can’t even bring myself to write about it, I don’t even speak to the girls I had the planned Centre Parcs trip with anymore, I would have been in the cast during our visit to Centre Parcs, the girls tried to adapt our original plans to accommodate me, hiring a car rather than getting the train, offering to get me a wheelchair to help me get around, giving me one of the single bed as I had to sleep in the cast rather than me sharing with someone, they were doing their best but with every offer of help a decision needed to be made & I just wasnt in the headspace to make those decisions, to me the simplest decision was to not go as a hilly hot tub holiday isnt exactly the ideal place for someone on crutches and in a cast, but they were my friends they wanted me to go, I understood that they wanted answers, if they needed to hire a car etc plans had to be made, but I wasn’t in a position to make those decisions, there was a chance I could be out of the cast & if thats they case I would love to have gone, but the thought of being over 150 miles away from home, in a place renowned for activity on crutches, relying on my friends to push me around, spoiling their weekend (although I’m positive even though we are no longer friends they would say pushing me in a wheelchair, having to change some of their activites wouldn’ have spoilt their weekend, me not being there is what would have spoiled it) but when you are suffering from anxiety and depression its hard to see reason, all I could feel was pressure, guilt, suffocation from the decisions that needed to be made and the fact that I could be stuck in a situation hundreds of miles away from home feeling claustrophobic, even typing this 4 years on I can feel my chest tightening, panic setting in that there was no escape if needed, I couldnt just use my usual coping mechanism of going for a walk if I needed some space

I tried to explain, they were aware I suffered from anxiety & depression but they just couldn’t understand & I get that, it’s hard to explain, even years later in a calmer state it’s hard to explain so I guess trying to verbalise it when you are on the verge of a panic attack was just gonna be am incoherent ramble so its no wonder they didn’t understand but it’s especially sad that when you need your friends the most you can lose them because you push them away because you need space, you need quiet, you can’t explain the anguish you are going through, all they see is someone constantly rejecting their offers of help

I don’t think I have ever really recovered from that time, it was my decision to walk away from that friendship group & it was 100% the right decision for me at that time, I instantly felt like a weight had lifted just like I do when I go for a run or a walk but I do feel a sadness that I wasn’t able to explain what I was going through better so they could have understood and given me the space I needed at that time

Thankfully over the last few years, people have really started to open up and speak out about their mental health, its discussed a  lot more in the press, I was lucky in that during my darkest times my husband was there, so I was never alone. It scares me that others could have been in the same position I was pushing away those that care & potentially ending up alone which could lead to an even darker place

I want to say things are better but honestly, I am not sure they are,  I have good spells & bad spells, we moved house just over 2 years ago and I love our new home but I definitely didn’t think through the practicalities of it, I don’t drive and have always lived within walking distance of a train station, trains or buses running every few minutes, pretty much 30 minutes from anywhere I’ve ever wanted to go, now I’m 2 miles from a station, buses once an hour, trains every 30 minutes once you’ve got to a station, my average journey now 90 minutes, the suffocation feeling has started again, despite being outside I can feel trapped because everything feels so far away, I don’t see friends as not only is the journey long, I panic they’ll be train delays cancellations and it will take even longer, that I won’t be able to get home, this hasn’t happened it’s just a fear, a fear that’s preventing me from even trying

Some days I stand up to that fear, but they are generally on occasions I have planned to do stuff alone, like go and watch the London Marathon for example, I can guarantee until the last minute I will be changing my mind as to whether I go or not and strangely on those days I actually manage to get out of the door & I think that’s because there is no pressure from anyone else, if I change my mind last minute the only person I have let down is myself

I haven’t been on my medication for a while when we moved I struggled to get registered with a new Dr so run out of tablets felt okish so just never went back, I feel like its time to have that chat again, I feel like they might clear that fuzz that’s in my head 24/7 and might help me with energy/motivation and general zest of life, I am not working at the moment, I took a time out in 2016 to help with my mental health but in hindsight, the loss of routine and to much time with my own thoughts have had the opposite effect, but with it being a new year, a new decade I think I owe it to myself to start living my best life and to do that I need to help my head get happy again

I originally wrote this post way back in 2016 but never had the courage to post it, I have always been open in that I struggle with anxiety and depression but maybe not this open and to be honest as I have mentioned in this post I am not sure what I wrote made sense, reading it back now, I am still not sure it makes sense but I feel that’s the exact reason I need to post it, not necessarily for those struggling with similar problems but hopefully for their friends and family to see, so they can understand why one of their loved ones has become withdrawn and may be pushing them away,

If I can help just one friend or family member understand the confusion going on in our head then writing this down, reading it over, the moment of panic as I start to relive those darkest of moments will have been worth sharing my story

Whose Parkrunning this weekend?



In case you don’t know Parkrun is a free to enter 5k event that takes place in hundreds of locations across the globe every Saturday morning (normally 9am in the UK), you just need to make sure your register on the Parkrun website first to get your own personalised barcode to ensure your time gets recorded
While many people are loyal to their local Parkrun, Parkrun Tourism or Parkrun challenges are growing in popularity
I’ve only ever taken part in Parkrun a handful of times, but its something I definitely plan to change in 2020 & have challenged myself to visit a different Parkrun each month, starting with my local events Orsett, Billericay, Valentines, Mile End, Southend, Barking, Chelmsford, Gorleston, Dartford, Harrow Lodge and Raphaels.
As I mentioned earlier Parkrun challenges are becoming popular, with the alphabet challenge being the most popular, attending a Parkrun beginning with every letter of the Alphabet, its definitely not the easiest of challenges I believe J & Z are only possible to complete if you are prepared to get on a plane but a little ‘Runcation’ could be fun right?
Or there’s is the Pirate challenge where you have to complete 7 Parkruns beginning with the letter C & one beginning with the letter R, this challenge is definitely easier than the alphabet challenge and could be a fun one to start with
Or Parkrun Bingo consists of finishing a Parkrun for every second on a stopwatch so all of your Parkrun finish times finish in different seconds
Find out more about Parkrun & each of the challenges below and let me know if you know you’re favourite Parkrun & why or maybe you know of another Parkrun challenge, please share I’m all for making activity as fun as possible
The Alphabet Challenge
The Pirate Challenge
Parkrun Stopwatch Bingo

(Please note that none of these challenges are official Parkrun challenges & you do not have to do the events listed to complete the challenge if you have other local Parkruns that fit into the challenge & the links provided are either to the Parkrun blog or to other Parkrun fans blogs)

100 Healthy Days


Right my head has been in a total funk for too long, I’ve been in the worst cloud of depression I’ve known in a while especially as I know of no reason for it, people to tell you to snap out of it & that’s just not possible but I need to try because I cant bare myself like this for any longer

So from tomorrow I am pledging to 100 Healthy Days, I am not sure exactly what that means, it certainly doesn’t mean strict diets, extreme exercise, hating on myself, basically exactly what I am doing at the moment (although as I haven’t left the house in 5 days there’s definitely been no extreme exercise but you know what I mean

So I think the plan is to be kinder to myself, a 30 minute walk each day because it makes me feel good, food that is colourful & nourishes my body rather than food that makes me feel good for 5 minutes, do things that make me happy, like reading or listening to a podcast & to try and find something positive in each day rather than being swamped down by the negatives

I am starting today and if I have calculated things right that should take me to Friday 24th April, which coincidentally is London Marathon Weekend and one of my favourite weekends of the year & I would love to be feeling happier and healthier for that

If anyone has any tips for dealing with anxiety & depression please feel free to share, I’m up for trying anything that may help

Don’t Judge a Stranger, You Never Know What They Are Battling

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I saw this article a few months ago and while I wholeheartedly agree with most points made, there is one sentence that is really niggling me, that months later, I can’t stop thinking about and is beginning to annoy me

‘Every single person in the history of the world has A TON OF WILLPOWER.

You have the willpower to get up every day and go to work’

I have probably taken the sentence in the totally wrong way, but it’s a flippant comment that getting out of bed and going to work is easy, it’s a given that its something we do automatically without thinking about it and that’s just not true for everyone, it’s not true of me

I gave up my job back in 2016 to try and salvage my mental health, almost every day despite having 10hrs sleep I still struggle to get out of bed and when I do I am still exhausted & have zero energy or motivation to do whatever I had planned for that day, even if its something enjoyable like lunch with friends

Whether they are suffering from physical or mental health issues for many getting out of bed is difficult, I remember an occasion where I was sick in a bin outside my office because I was in such a dark place mentally and didn’t think I could put on the fake smile that day & pretend that everything was ok

One of the reasons I stopped working in 2016 was to try and improve my mental health, but I actually think it’s had the opposite effect, I have lost all routine & structure in my life, I no longer have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, to many I have the perfect life, all I have to do with my week is go for a walk, a run or a fitness class, do some studying, a bit of housework, meet a friend for a coffee or lunch, yet all I manage to achieve most weeks is a walk or run most mornings as I force myself out as I know no matter how hard it is to get out of the door, it will make me feel a bit better about myself but that’s it one constructive hour a day

I haven’t seen some of my closest friends for over a year, because I have developed an anxiety about being too far from home, about being on public transport (I don’t drive) not to mention the fact that they will be able to see right through me & know my heads not happy.

So do you see what I mean?

It’s not as simple as getting out of bed and going to work for many of us, just to get that far is a huge battle

All of the above said I 100% agree with the rest of the article, it’s not recognising the value of our goals that stop us achieving them, we don’t give them enough priority, we don’t believe they are worth the time they take to achieve & we don’t value & believe in ourselves enough to give them the time and hard work they need

– I have always said to make an activity a genuine part of your life it needs to be something you enjoy, going to a dance class or for a walk or a run with a friend, you won’t even realise you are exercising if you find the right class for you

– Don’t worry what others think, believe me, they are more worried about their own workout than they are about yours, I actually posted exactly this a few months ago about my Clubbercise class, so many times I noticed I was going in the opposite direction to everyone else, often I stopped just to watch the steps as my brain couldn’t take them in and move at the same time, I am by far the least coordinated person in the class, I have been attending for 4 months and honestly couldn’t tell you any of the routines but I don’t care and neither does anyone else & I really enjoy it (obviously being that Clubbercise is in the dark helps but I enjoy Zumba in just the same way)

– Be realistic with your goals I needed/need to lose 4st, if I went on google I can find a million stories of people losing that kind of weight in a few months, but I know weight loss that quick isn’t healthy it’s not sustainable, so instead I’ve decided that I am in it for the long haul, I have given myself a year and I review that regularly and if that time frame needs extending so be it, I don’t want my diet to be restricted, I don’t want to have be exercising every day, I don’t want to give up the foods I love, I want something realistic and sustainable & something that I am happy to continue once my body is where I want it to be

– I totally understand the I have a lot on, I am stressed and adding another thing (exercise) to my to-do list is just adding to my stress but honestly it really does help. I remember when I worked in the city and I used to work 7am to 7pm with almost an hours commute each way on top of that, exercise definitely wasn’t a priority,

I remember once I had had a particularly stressful day, on top of that the trains were delayed but id promised to meet a friend for a run, we wouldn’t be heading out until almost 9pm, I hadn’t even had dinner, oh and it had been snowing, I really wanted to cancel but I hate letting people down, I stomped around the house getting ready for my run. I wasn’t in the mood for chit chat on the run, but honestly, within a few minutes I felt the stress lifting, like weights being removed from my shoulders and I actually returned with a smile on my face.

Its the number one reason why even when I don’t feel like it I manage to drag myself out for a walk most days as it lifts my head out of that funk, I promise it works give it a try, if you are having a tough day at work go for a 20-minute walk in your lunch break, it will help

– You don’t believe in yourself, you don’t believe you can achieve your goals so why put in the effort, this one is a constant battle for me but what’s the saying, ‘Nothing worth having is easy’ I can guarantee if you were to share your fears with friends and family, they would all have opposite opinions to yours, it amazes me that we can see the greatness in others but never in ourselves, so stop believing that voice in your head and start believing in yourself, start living to your full potential, yes your health and fitness goals may take some time, but that time is going to pass anyway & you are worth it!!

2020 Goals & Ambitions

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New Years Resolutions…. Love them or hate them?

Personally setting myself goals usually works for me, I try and make them realistic, things that with a bit of effort will definitely be achievable, over the last few years I’ll be honest I’ve failed at more than I’ve succeeded at but that’s life & I don’t beat myself up about those I don’t achieve.


This year I have set myself 10 goals, when I was thinking about them last week it felt like a lot but they felt totally achievable, in fact, the only one I was worried about was my ‘Meat Free Mondays’ now if I am honest they feel like a lot but I don’t have to achieve them all at once I have a whole 12 months, in fact, I have already achieved one and made progress on another few.


On Sunday I completed my Leadership in Running Fitness course, this one has been a goal of mine for so many years, when my head is in the game I love running, I love the sense of pride it gives me, I love that when I’m in a funk it clears my head & I want to get into a place where I am loving running again & loving how it makes me feel, so I can share that with others & plan to offer a free c25k style run club with a local Mental Health Charity

I’ve also lost some weight, only 2.4lbs (around 1kg) which considering I’m only one week on I’m really pleased with 28.6lbs to go – I plan to do a monthly update on my weight loss, hopefully with some nice recipe ideas but I need to up my game taking food photos, oh & I’ve also done my first Meat Free Monday, I don’t think I could ever go full-on vegetarian even though I really love animals, but I feel like even just by doing one day a week I am doing my bit

I have also been given the opportunity to earn some money, my friend Julie has invited me to help her with her online running community Too Fat to Run, I am really enjoying helping out and was already an avid fan & follower of the community before I started helping & actually helping in the group has highlighted another goal which already in my mind needed to be a priority for me in 2020,

Establishing a routine, I really think having some routine in my life will help my mental health too, I don’t have a full-time job so my days are mine yet so often I manage to accomplish absolutely nothing, over the last few weeks I have started making myself daily to-do lists on my phone which I then tick off as I complete each task, it’s definitely helping but there’s still room for improvement

I am so excited by the opportunity that Julie has offered me and I know I can offer her so much more support if I can be better organised, I feel like I need a schedule, I haven’t set an alarm for years & maybe I need to start, be up at 7.30am, out of the house by 9 for my workout, lunch at 12.30pm, TFTR work from 12.30-1.30pm kind of thing, then, then my afternoons are free for study, housework etc – Watch this space on that one

The others are a work in progress, I have a list of Parkruns I want to try and think I will be doing my first next weekend, my nutrition course I have already decided I am putting to one side until February (I want to establish a routine first and catch up on some life admin), finding my fitness mojo seems to be my biggest struggle at the moment, I just can’t seem to find my motivation, I signed up to Red January which I thought would really inspire me to move every day even if it was just for a 30-minute walk, but I think being ill for the first 5 days has thrown me off and I feel like I am in that already failed mentality, yet the reality is the idea behind RED January is to move more as it’s proven to improve our mental health, its meant to be a positive thing but I am allowing it to be a negative, but no more, I am drawing a line & creating a workout schedule which includes all my favourite activities so it feels like fun rather than a chore

I will keep you posted every few months with how I am getting on with my goals, let me know what your thoughts are on resolutions/goal setting, did you set yourself some goals for the year, feel free to share so we can help motivate each other?



Maybe Menopause


I can’t believe it was a week ago already since I had my op, well half of it anyway
This was me about 30 minutes post-op puffy bloodshot eyes after I’d apparently sat bolt upright demanding to know what they were speaking about as they moved me the 10 feet from the theatre to the recovery area (it’s meant to take around 30 minutes to come around once you get to the recovery ward, I didn’t even make it to a minute
What happened is still a blur, I just remember hearing voices saying the surgery had failed & hysterectomy 3 months, I remember saying ‘what’s failed, whose having a hysterectomy in 3 months, are you talking about me?’ I couldn’t see images everything was blurry, I felt hands on my shoulders pushing me back onto the bed only for me to fling myself up again saying ‘tell me what failed, are you talking about me, have I got to have a hysterectomy?’ I burst into tears as they tried to lay me back down again the voices telling me to calm down & that they’d come and speak to me once I’d fully awoken, that they were the surgeon briefly explaining to my recovery nurse what had happened & that they’d be back to see me in a few hours & that I needed to rest now, that I shouldn’t have woken so soon
I couldn’t sleep though I wanted answers, I think I drifted for about 5 minutes before I fully awoke & crying again, the recovery nurse tried to get me to sleep some more but gave up pretty quickly saying you’re not gonna sleep are you so do you want some food
I was taken back to the day ward for some tea & toast, a nurse came to see how I was feeling, more tears, I wanted to know what had happened, the recovery nurse had confirmed what I’d heard in my blurry state was about me but that I needed to speak to the surgeon for more detail
Three & a half long hours later I finally got to see the surgeon, I’d been admitted to have a hysteroscopy, biopsy & an endometrial abolition, they hadn’t been able to perform the abolition due to me having a narrowed cervix, this wasn’t apparent in January’s surgery, March’s internal & external ultrasound or April’s internal examination it usually caused by one of two things menopause or cancer (my money’s on menopause) so they took some swabs for testing & I’m awaiting the results
Also while performing they hysteroscopy they noticed small polyps which they were able to remove, again these weren’t visible during January’s surgery or March’s scan, again polyps found in the uterus are usually non-cancerous but to be on the safe side they have also gone off for checking
Interestingly apparently polyps are usually found pre of post menopause, I have been saying for years that I believe I’m going through menopause but Drs rely on a blood test which just isn’t proving anything at the moment & that’s likely because I suffer from hormone imbalance caused by everything else going on with my periods etc at the moment & why I’m seeing a gynaecologist in the first place
The surgeon wouldn’t discuss what happens next there & then I need to wait for an appointment which will likely be 3 months away but they did confirm what I’d heard that I would most likely now be looking at a hysterectomy as the less invasive options they had tried last Thursday & in January hadn’t worked for me

How is it the end of 2019 already


(Image borrowed from google)

Ok so I think its safe to say I am a pretty crap blogger, I had all good intentions of writing more when I last posted in March 2018 but… nothing, zero, zilch, nada.

So whats actually happened in those 21 months, well we have mostly finished decorating our new home, we have had a few lovely holidays, made an extremely extravagant purchase of a hot tub which we love and definitely helps you wind down at the end of a busy day so in my opinion, was worth every penny

I was diagnosed with a high cholesterol & blood sugars, a hormone imbalance, fibroids and possible perimenopause/menopause, I’ve had breast lumps that fortunately have been benign and likely caused by the hormone imbalance, I have had two small surgeries the most recent being last week (I will try and do a post between Christmas and New Year better explaining the surgeries and what’s going on there)

I ran the hardest half marathon of my life, I shouldn’t have even attempted it but I’d promised a friend but the stress of finding the lumps in my breast, then my first surgery followed immediately by a chest infection totally derailed my training, I had to walk the final 6 miles despite managing 9 miles in training on the day I had nothing left in the tank, the day after the race I was back at the hospital having a gyney scan, the day after that I was meant to visit a friend for a coffee, the walk from her house to mine is less than 10 minutes, I walk it daily, but two days after the race I hadn’t even walked a 1/4 of the way there when I had to turn back, I knew my legs just wouldn’t make it, my legs have walked 6 marathons, they run 1 marathon, my legs never fail me but in March 2019 they firmly told me they’d had enough and they wanted a week off


Punta Cana Beach

I caught salmonella poisoning on the last day of a fabulous holiday (that was a fun flight home from the Dominican Republic) I started to fall into depression again, nothing was going right, I was fed up with constantly being ill, Drs and hospital appointments each week

Then suddenly in August things started to change, my mindset started to switch, a friend Mollie decided that following injury she wanted to do a run streak to help her re-find her running mojo, I decided to join her, it was only a mile a day, I could do that, I knew I had a few days holiday booked at the end of August so I made the commitment to myself that I would complete 31 miles by the end of August the equivalent of a mile a day although I may not actually run every day, in fact, I had no intention of taking my trainers to Gran Canaria with me, this holiday was booked to let my hair down, lazy days by the pool, drinking until sunrise, I would have been kidding myself if I said I would run on this holiday

I completed my run streak, I had a fabulous holiday & bizarrely my weight had started moving in the right direction again, a couple of amazing opportunities came my way but self-doubt stopped me taking them up and depression started creeping in again that I wasn’t good enough that I was an imposter, thankfully others believed in me and each opportunity is waiting for me to accept & get started within the new year if only I can start believing in myself


So here we are almost at the end of December 2019, I’d really hoped last weeks surgery would have been drawing a line under all my gyney problems, unfortunately, it hasn’t my surgery wasn’t successful & it looks like I’ll be having some form of hysterectomy in 2020, definitely not the news I wanted, I genuinely thought I’d be entering the decade with a clean slate


So how did I get on with those 2018 goals

  • finish my Nutrition Course
  • sell my flat – SOLD
  • start drinking 2 litres of water a day
  • restart c25k – running a slow but steady 5k
  • finish renovating our home
  • eat at least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day
  • lose 50lbs – I think I gained more weight since setting this challenge, meaning I needed to lose 57lbs to get to my happy weight, I am 30.3lbs down & confident I will lose the rest in 2020, in fact as most of my plans for 2020 are now on hold until I know when & which surgery I will be having, my weight is the one thing I have control of so will be my priority

So that’s the last 21 months rounded up into a few short paragraphs, 2020 is not gonna be the year I expected it to be but I am hoping I can still make it a positive year with lots of exciting things happening, I had planned some fitness challenges, they will have to be scaled down most likely but I am looking forward to activity being part of my life again, I have got a few holidays and weekends away booked which we are hoping can still take place, so fingers crossed 2020 will still be fab & I promise to post a lot more regularly.

Please let me know how your 2019 has been and what your plans are for 2020.



Setting Myself Some Goals


As I mentioned in my last post I want to make myself more of a priority, my mental & physical health has taken a battering over the last few years

Exercise has always helped clear my head and made me feel better in myself & I am in a fortunate position in that I am not working at the moment so if I want to spend 3hrs a day in the gym Biggest Loser style I can

I have always found having goals works well for me, I like having something to work towards, but in the last 2 years setting myself targets has felt like to much pressure, not having targets obviously hasn’t worked well for me so here are some goals in no particular order

  • finish my Nutrition Course
  • sell my flat
  • start drinking 2 litres of water a day
  • restart c25k
  • finish renovating our home
  • eat at least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day
  • lose 50lbs

I think in order for me to achieve any of these goals I need to have a more detailed plan, which I will share as soon as I have worked one out, but for now, I am excited, as I feel like I am finally ready to start reclaiming control of my life

Life’s General Ramblings


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I have lost count of how many fresh starts I have had over the last 4 years, I was going to totally scrap this blog and start again but then I realised the fact that I try and fail proves I am human & it is what has made me relatable & is why so many people comment or email me about their own journeys. I am not and will never be a natural athlete but I do feel happier in myself when I exercise, it clears my head from the days stresses and it makes me want to make better food this is why I plan to make this blog a journal of my journey

But that journey has also evolved I have suffered from mental health issues since 2001, mostly I have had it under control but there have been times when it most definitely controlled me & I am fighting that battle now

Does anyone else struggle to understand the thoughts going on in their head, have an internal battle every day with every simple decision you make?

Yes, well then hopefully you will find some solace in my little corner of the internet knowing that you are not alone & that there are others out there fighting the same battles every single day & hopefully we can help support one another

No, well then I apologise in advance because my blog probably sounds like a bunch of drunken ramblings a lot of the time, but often writing those muddled thoughts down helps me understand them better and clears the fog in my head

So this blog will be a little different, I want to take back control of my mental health, rather than let it control me, in the past activity has definitely helped so hopefully If I can motivate myself enough to get out of bed there will still be a lot of activity, some chat about nutrition and weight loss & some general lifestyle chat, I am currently in the process of selling my third property in 12 months and managing a full renovation of our new home

Anyway I hope you will bear with me, I hope you enjoy what you read and  if you are going through something similar I hope it helps to know you are not alone & I promise to myself as well as to you that I am going to start putting myself first again that my mental & physical health will become a priority


Hello Stranger – a little life update


First off if anyone is still here I want to wish you a Happy New Year & apologies for my silence for most of 2017.


Luna’s Beautiful Brother

2017 was a very overwhelming year for me, the year started badly before it had even begun when we lost our gorgeous furbaby unexpectedly on 30th December,  I had already spent that week worrying week as my best friend was pregnant with twins, the pregnancy hadn’t gone well and we knew that one of the twins wasn’t going to make it, there was a very real possibility that the babies were going to be delivered at 28 weeks on the 28th December, but little Luna was a fighter and clung on until Valentines day to ensure her big brother was delivered to his mum and dad safely, sadly Luna lost her fight a few days later


Ernie, My Gorgeous Furbaby

We had always said that when we lost Ernie, we would think about moving house & everyone knows that a home move can be stressful, unfortunately, I had forgotten how stressful.


Our New Home

Since we decided to move I struggled to make time for me, there were always solicitors, estate agents or mortgage brokers to call, the walks with friends that I had previously enjoyed first thing in the morning were now replaced by making phone calls or waiting for the phone to  ring, over the last few years I have made a real effort to remove myself from negative situations, I try and avoid conflict and suddenly I was thrown into a world where there were obstacles being thrown at me every day & I found it very mentally draining, there was constant bad news & stern emails to be sent, if I wanted to get things done, I’ve been out of the business world for so long, the thought of that life now daunts me, I was out of my depth and drowning rapidly.

We have now moved home & that has brought with it a whole new bunch of challenges as we redecorate, where most take pleasure in choosing tiles and wallpaper, I develop a knot in my stomach, I have found myself in the kind of funk I haven’t encountered for many years & I’ll be honest I am not coping very well.

This blog was always meant to be a personal diary, so maybe I should have continued to write last year but it would have been very dark & I didn’t want that, its not that I don’t want to be honest, but because at the time I felt writing things down would have taken me to an even darker place.

I usually find writing therapeutic, writing things down can help can help clear the fog in my head, can help me better understand my thought process & I can usually find something positive amongst the words I type, but every time I wrote last year I could see nothing but negativity, the sadness around Ernie & Luna, setbacks with the house, gaining weight, not running etc, writing it down made me feel worse so I decided to take a break, in fact I left it so long I didn’t intend on coming back.


But then last week I read something on Instagram that really hit home to me (unfortunately I can’t reference it as I am not 100% sure where I read it but if  find it again I will share) the person spoke about owning your feelings & not feeling guilt about them, just because you those around you are going through something, it doesn’t diminish what you are going through, & for me I had felt guilt and stupidity about morning the loss of a dog when my friend had lost a baby, I felt guilt and stupidity about mourning the loss of a baby, that’s wasn’t mine or that I never even met (I think I cried more or less every day from mid September when we found out that Luna wouldn’t make it until she was born in February & for several weeks after, there are tears in my eyes writing this)

Why was I so sad? it wasn’t my baby, I’ve never even wanted a baby, I don’t have a maternal bone in my body, how could I possibly understand or be feeling what my friend was feeling & I am not saying I did, I couldn’t possibly know what my friend and her husband went through, but whatever it was that I read on Instagram made me realise it was ok that I felt pain, of course I would, Luna’s mum is my best friend, I know how much her and her husband wanted those babies, yet literally as soon as the excitement settled about her being pregnant we got the sad news that Luna wouldn’t make it & we never knew whether they would lose her naturally via a miscarriage, there was uncertainty as to whether letting Luna’s  journey continue could put her brother in danger, it is impossible for me to articulate the range of emotions I went through.

My relationship with my friend has changed, but its me that’s changed not her, I have backed away, another friend had a baby just before the twins were born and usually I could speak to my friend about the baby, now I feel guilt talking about how well he is doing, my friend would ask me how the home move was going & I would feel guilty talking about that too, my problems compared to hers were so insignificant, but were they, are my problems any less of a problem – to be a 100% honest yes of course they are but as humans we have a huge capacity for compassion & my friend has shown this

During this whole process my friend has always asked how I am getting on, as I have said I felt guilty moaning to her but she often said its nice to talk about something else, she had the capacity and understanding to listen to my problems even with everything else she was going through, she never once dismissed my problems as insignificant, I remember at the time thinking she must be thinking ‘you stupid cow, what I wouldn’t give to have your problems’ but whatever it was I read online made me realise that wasn’t the case, that its ok not to be ok & that your problems your issues may feel like they could be insignificant to the outside world but if they feel significant to you own those feelings & talk about them, feeling guilty about them is probably what has made it harder to move on.

For years I have had a saying mainly around what I eat that guilt is a wasted emotion, and it’s so true, if only I had listened to my own words earlier.

Yes its a new year and there are a million New Year New Me posts about & I suppose in a way this is another one, but I honestly don’t think Id have gotten to this point without what I read last week – it is annoying the hell out of me that I can’t reference it properly I think I know the source but I need to research it more & I promise as soon as I know for definite I will share

So this is where I am at, I am a middle-aged woman who on the face of it has it all, a lovely husband, a lovely home & I’m fortunate that I don’t have to work, yet the reality is I spend my days crying overwhelmed over what colour floor tiles or sofa to order, I know they are ridiculous things to cry over, but I can’t control what causes that knot in my stomach feeling or what keeps me up at night.

I was in a similar funk in 2012 and I made changes then to make myself more of a priority & find my happy again & I am going to commit to the same goals in 2018, I am not going to promise to write each week as positive changes don’t happen overnight but I promise to write when I can, I will write again next week and talk about my goals for the year and what initial steps I plan to take to reach them

If you are still here I am sorry if this post has been a downer but it was time for me to open up & if what I have shared today or share over the coming months helps one person, my battles will have had some meaning

Thanks for listening xx